How to survive a pandemic complete with pandemic poetry

I've decided that there are six things that the masses need to survive a pandemic.  The first four are:

paper towels

hand sanitizer

toliet paper

chicken

I know this from personal experience because for the last month, I have searched high and low to find these items and since they are in such high demand,  they must be what we all need to survive. 

These are scary times aren't they? We have no control anymore... except, it seems, over what we put in our mouths. Is it just me, or does anyone else derive perverse comfort from eating Lucky Charms... at 2AM in the morning? I am definitely exerting the WRONG kind of control. I must STOP THE EATING. I have to remind my primitive self that I live in the 21st century. I do not have to succumb to what appears to be a primal need to hunt and gather Lucky Charms. My rational mind knows I do not have to keep eating in preparation to survive off of my own blubber. But, my primitive brain keeps telling me to stuff my face.  Again, I repeat to my brain, these are not caveman times, we have refrigerators and non perishable food yet I instinctively continue to reach out for what is magically delicious. That being said, I do think my primal brain may be correct about my need to stalk chicken, the only food item actually needed to survive in a pandemic. Take note of this because it can only be found in grocery stores intermittently. Seriously people, what is with the run on chicken? I am perplexed. Can't we also be in love with the other white meat? And, did we need a pandemic to stop eating red meat? All I can say is it is a good thing I love steak,  I may just have to rethink adding fish oil supplements to our survival list so we can stave off our impending heart disease.

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​Excuse me please, nature is calling....

FOR PETE SAKE!!!! NO TOLIET PAPER????!!!!!  Can't anyone else change a simple toilet paper roll??????  Oh, wait, that's right, we ran out...totally. WHY????  People, what are you doing with your TP stockpiles, (the next item necessary to survive a pandemic)?  I promise, social distancing works better than mummification. This must be the public's general idea behind TP stockpiles.  Finding PPE (personal protective equipment) was out of stock forever, it seems the masses turned to TP mummification.  I'm not buying the idea, although I do think it explains why Charmin Strong sold out faster than Charmin soft. I mean, really, which do you think is a better barrier to COVID19?

-Sidebar:
Now, I know I could have used hand sanitizer to take care of my potty germs, and that is also on the list of pandemic survival items but, that has been missing from shelves for weeks. Not to worry, I was semi-smart and ordered aloe Vera gel online from Walmart (Amazon needed a break). As it turns out, you can actually make your own hand sanitizer by mixing a certain combination of aloe Vera gel with 90-99% rubbing alcohol. Thank you DIY channel. Sadly, in my frenzied haste, I forgot to order the rubbing alcohol and I also forgot I had previously ordered aloe and promptly ordered it a second time. Now I have enough aloe to soothe the soon to be burned skin of all the people hastily rushing back to the various beaches around the United States.

It's ok though, I have to say, I am not as concerned about hand sanitizer because I have something that apparently the masses have forgotten; soap. It has existed for years and when paired with water is not just 99% effective against germs, it is 100% effective, if you wash your hands correctly. I can do that! There is only one problem. I have no paper towels to dry my hands with because THEY ARE SOLD OUT! That is the second paper item necessary to survive a pandemic, but honestly, I just don't know why. I think it might be to mop up the aloe that bloops on the floor as you concoct your DIY hand sanitizer. Be careful, that blob of aloe is a slip and fall risk and only a paper towel can save you from yourself.

The poor thing never saw that blob of aloe.

Ok, just 20 more secs...

Now sing with me, twice

Ok, all clean...

.Is it really such a big deal if we stockpile chicken, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, paper towels and in my case Lucky Charms? I mean, it's not like we are trampling each other. Wait, are we trampling each other? If you are, you must have forgotten the last two essential items on our pandemic survival list; kindness and compassion? They are the two items you will never find in the stores on a shelf. They are only to be found within the shelves of our hearts and are ours to replenish. They are the necessities to retrieve as we engage with cashiers as well as our fellow shoppers joining the hunt for our pandemic items (hopefully 6 feet away from each other and while wearing masks). They are what we need as we interact with our essential workers as well; mechanics, health care workers, receptionists, lawn care workers, plumbers, HVAC technicians, truck drivers, food retail workers, sanitation workers, postal workers, and more. People are grieving, facing their mortality, or are hungry and bearing financial strife, all while some simply worry about pandemic bad hair. It is our kindness and compassion that will allow us to comfort those in need, lend a hand to those who cannot stand up on their own, or point a friend to a YouTube video on how to french braid your own hair (sure cure for pandemic hair); everyone's pain is their own and kindness and compassion allow us to see that.

I think you are now fully equipped to survive a pandemic, if of course you make sure you have your staples.  I suspect you do since, TP, paper towels, chicken and hand sanitizer are still out at Target, Walmart and all of my local grocery stores.  The jury is out on kindness and compassion.  Some of the masses need to go shopping.  I have faith that they will.

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  Pandemic Poetry;​ Haikus-the last literary item needed in a pandemic.  Go ahead and try one of these 3 line, 5-7-5 syllable poems. It will be fun! Here are three examples:

Can't you spare a square?
Hold one piece up and then tear.
For my dariderriere.

Then someone else said
What did the chicken 
just say?
Pork is on aisle ten.

Doc Fauci relayed
Best to stay six feet 
away
​From a big Ah-Choo!

It's a two way street
Compassion and kindness run
In then out of us